i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
