this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize