hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
