I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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