she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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