Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They have beer where we have blood.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
