gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
