I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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