Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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