I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
