Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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