we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
