Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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