I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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