Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
