I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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