The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
