At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
