even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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