I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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