i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
