You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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