just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
