Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.