turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
