So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
