If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
