Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
