If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So many bounce houses so little time
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just want nice things and good sex
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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