i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
