Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
