Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
