I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
