I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
