And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
