Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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