i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
