What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
