i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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