Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
