So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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