I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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