He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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