I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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