puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
