i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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