the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
