It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
