Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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