i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
