Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
