That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
