My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
