I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So apparently I’m into choking now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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