I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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