Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
