I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
